Last night on 2/3/2016 I heard my father was "Dying". I was texting and message the person who told me this who at the same time was, not really concerned about my father or how I was feeling at the time. She was more interested in dating me. It's a long story about someone who barely knows me, who wants me, because of my kindness. She cared though to tell me the bad news and was sorry about it, but her focus with dating me didn't help anything. She told me a number that I could get ahold of my father and I called 4 or more times. I was shaking, questioning how I felt about what was going on, and crying. I... even let out a few laugh laughs for reasons I don't know. Maybe I laughed at how narrow and unthoughtful this girl and other people included online, were about the situation. I was able to share my thoughts with a few people how were listening and tried to help me. I went for a walk that I would then come back at 11:00pm. I didn't want to be home. When I did leave, I walked passed Allie and Dustyn who were in the living room. I was told I should tell Allie about our dad. She didn't care to much for him or it seemed like, but there were reasons for that. I waited to tell her while choking on tears once I left my neighborhood. I texted her. Talking to her she was just to the point, didn't really question what was up with me leaving and just was direct. I was sad and talking to her was like to talking to a rock and it was hard to tell her what she wanted to here. I wanted her to care about something... but she didn't phased bothered or worried about anything. I gave up talking to her. I started talking to a friend just barely as I was a few miles from home. Just as I started texting him the phone died as he was asking "Where are you walking to?". I was frozen so I headed home after I continued forward a few more blocks. The rest of the night I was able to talk a little more with people helpful and not. The main two things I was thinking about was my father and how actually care to listen to me. I am thankful for those who did talk to me and helped- and the one's who tried, but I didn't have time for. I felt bad that I was running out of things to talk about as I talked with multiple people. I felt I was wasting their time, because I was repeating my self and using the same words in different conversations. Nothing would change how I felt- I didn't want to waste their time- but I do wish I gave myself more time with these people. I'm not mad at hose who didn't think about my problems. Sometimes people don't understand- and sometimes people don't know what the person suffering wants to hear. Sometimes we will never know what to say... But being there for someone always helps still... I feel bad for all the people I know and have ditched- Not ditched, but felt barely talk to now. Knowing so many people and trying to spend time with them all is stressful... Or maybe its stressful because i'm mixing friends with dreams. I scattered and not letting myself completely enjoy people. My focus on other things, that are probably not important- are getting in the way of better things for me.
https://www.facebook.com/seanmchapmanpage/photos/a.566069706795151.1073741836.501181339950655/920180638050721/?type=3&theater
-Greed VS Sacrifice
-Missing snowy
-Becoming myself
-Smiling
